I am learning to love again ...

A friend of mine triggered this thought . He asked " Can you start all over again..like a clean slate ? "

I replied - "yes!!" I am a clean slate , I am at my best ready to accept any new experience with open arms."

But I guess it wasn't true. Can we really be open to love , to love again. I think with every failed relationship you die a little which adds up to a long list of "THINGS NOT TO DO!!"

. 

What about giving yourself another chance. New hopes .. new wings... new love...

Can we really fall in love again ? Can we drop the baggage of past and embark on a new journey with the same vigour and enthusiasm?

Do you have the courage to be vulnerable again ?

Can you still wait for him on dinner table ?

Wear his favourite colour and wait for compliments ...

Will you make him a collage on his birthday and a handmade card on your anniversary ? 

Do you still have the courage to walk  on the same road where you once were so lonely ?

Above all do you still have the strength to smile everytime he smiles at you.... 

Truth about love..

A very good friend of mine once asked : " Will we ever find true love ? Like they show in the movies...??

and I replied : "Yes , dear we will !!, but the question is whether it will be happily ever after or not !!

We don't look for true love , we look for happy endings. We look for marriage , we look for long term relationships , security....  We don't look for love.                                                

Love is like our pet project which should be completed before you turn 30 or else it is not true love . Why do we have to measure the success rate of love on the scale of permanency or marriage. Why can't love be fleeting , short term , traumatic , exhausting , painful , hopeless.. Why does love have to be sweet , caring , stable , happy , peaceful..

Why does love have to be the potion to cure all your pains and a formula to end all your sufferings? Why do you wait all your life to be cured by something as magical as love?

Cant we just love without expecting it to change our lives . Cant we just enjoy it on dark corners of  our hearts and rejoice that we are in love no matter how sad , how lonely we feel. 

Free love from your perceptions and let it be just a feeling no matter how good .. how bad...Enjoy it in its true sense rather than expecting it to make your life perfect.If you stop expecting from love you will realize you fell in love so many times in so many ways but you didn't even notice.

A huge Leap of faith ...

What to we actually fear losing in a relationship ? After we break up , what is that undying pain we have in our hearts? What do we mean by losing love and why does it hurt so much ?

When we love someone we begin to trust them step by step , inch by inch . Through their gestures and care we realize that they can be trusted with our heart , our lives. Our inner goddess who was up till now hiding under the bed pops up and claims the throne. She is happy and satisfied . Starts to rule like a queen because she feels she is safe . And you take that leap of faith. You tell him your biggest lies , greatest secrets with a promise of understanding and care . 

You put down the walls be vulnerable and introduce him to your shy and meek inner goddess. And you inner goddess is so happy to finally find someone with whom she can love happily ever after in her empty palatial house . 

And then your heart breaks. One fine morning your prince charming doesn't return to your inner Goddess . She waits and waits.. She forgets to dress up like she usually does , doesn't eat a thing and stares at you blankly with her smudged mascara eyes.

why did you introduce him  to her ? Why did you vouch for him ? 

Why did you let me take that leap of faith if you were not sure ? 

why ?

And you answer : " BUT I WAS  so SURE !!"

Holding on V/S Moving on

She loved him with all her heart but it didn't work. 

She tried hard but it didn't work. 

She cooked his favorite dishes , got his approved haircut even joined a gym but it didn't work.

He went away to a a land that suited him more , where her little imperfections wouldn't hinder his perfect life.

He went away from her...

You know how she felt? It was like losing something you never had. 

It is the worst of it all.

 But she survived.

Moved on ...

One fine day , he came back .. Back to her ..

But y ? How dare he? How can he have the courage to come back to her ?

Few people never stop taking us for granted.

Does love make us look weak. 

"In a relationship one who loves less is strong "!! Is it true?

Do we really take our ex's for granted . 

People who loved us with immovable faith and always put our happiness above there own. 

The belief that they will take us back anyway is the biggest disrespect we can cause them and to their love. 

Always remember love gives us strength to endure all the hardships and challenges of a relationship and that is what make us to hold on to all the crap our partner gives..

But the moment you decide to end it, not hold on to it further , you are free. 

Yes you can walk away... love will empower you... Never test the limits of the one who loves you.. 

"Those who have the courage to hold on also have the power to move on , they just chose not to"

What a woman wants?

Love, sex and money … not necessarily in the same order … every girl has different priorities but largely you can categorise it into these three..

So voila!! We now know what we want.. So what’s the problem then?

The problem is how to get it…

Will a lot of love and money do away with your bed cravings... or can you settle for a big mansion to live but no one to cuddle and sleep …

Much worse... What if you find it in different men...? And for a matter of fact you will!!

Imagine what a mess!!!

With my personal experience I can share one thing for sure... In a woman’s life there is a man who makes her happy and a man whom she loves with all her heart … at least two different men in each of our lives...

Sorry to break your bubble girlfriend but Life just got tougher…

With an end in my mind ...

Dearest

I may have started with an end in my mind... yes an end.. to safeguard myself against a potential heartbreak .. a downfall..

But the truth is so clear .. so obvious .. that preparing for an end doesn't lessen the pain it causes..

Yes I was prepared for the end but not for the pain of living without a hope...

End is natural but hopelessness is like dying on a lonely island knowing no one will know you died not that they will save you...

CHAOS...

Chaos is the only peace that exists...

Change is the only truth that persists...

Silence is the only sound that echoes..

In the emptiness of the world filled with people...

When u walk back u will realize; u were never there....

Soul Broken V/S Heart Broken

Amongst various types of people around us .. the most frustrating ones are “ the walls”…

Those who angry us by their stupid deeds… over interference … and the best part is we cant even complain.. cant even express that they are killing you .. that you hate them .. that you want them out of your site and sometimes even outta your life… but y cant u .. coz they r the walls… they wont change , react.. understand…

What is more frustrating? .. not telling someone that they hurt you and thinking that they will not understand or telling sumone that they hurt you and seeing that they don’t understand?

Have you ever been heart broken ?

That sharp pain inside that never goes… you feel like you cant breathe or that you will die of heartache… and you suddenly realize how meaningless everything is and how lonely you are in this whole wide world… and you pick up the phone and dial the number of the one whose hurt you … 

you make the call .. accept that they have hurt you … unable to speak coz tears choke you… still you try to find the sharpest of the words and try to take revenge .. 

If only words could kill… and all this while you know in your heart that this verbal attack wont match up to the heartache you got but still it will let you breathe… 

And you end the call with a last line that means “it doesn't matter” though both the parties know how much it did and it always will… 

Phew!!! Then you go to the window and look up like you know god is watching … you look down at the endless vehicle lines… and a sigh!!! Which means that neither god nor any human being can understand your pain let alone ease it…then you feel numb and sometime later you start to relax…

Grieving is a process… it has stages ..from start to end …scientifically around four.. (search on google).. so don’t you ever worry it will definitely end..

But have you ever been soul-broken? 

Let us suppose .. we didn't make the call that I described in the above paragraph .. then what would you feel.. imagine that person will never come to know about your pain.. imagine not sharing.. not avenging.. just nursing your broken heart alone…

That’s soul-broken  it like having a wound in your heart that will never heal .. a broken soul.. that you carry everywhere .. all the time… and even after years a soft touch on that wound would hurt like it did for the first time…

Soul Broken – a thriving wound..

 

Dear lamps!!!

While lightening Diyas at the garden fence I had a very strange sad feeling inside.. I learnt about life of a lamp.

 So lame! Lightens lives of others but has darkness beneath itself. I have come across such people in life. They sacrifice their lives to build a good future for others -"The lamps".Rest all the fuljharis , anars etc sparkle for short time and vanish in thin air. 

Dear lamps...
This Diwali when everyone will be celebrating with light in their lives. I will look for you in dark corners...  wherever you are placed , I know your pain and I know your fate.. May God give you strength...

Enjoy waiting ...

Yet again I am on a aimless journey.. doing what I do best .. WAITING.. This time at the bus stand ... Initially I used to find it frustrating ..

Like everyone I wanted to enjoy the end and not the "means"... But in my experience most of the times "end" is disappointing only because we spend a lotta energy building expectations while we wait... 

So why not enjoy the "means" .. enjoy waiting... One may call it escapism.. so be it...

So here I am ... Waiting for the bus that has not arrived from last 45minutes and I guess is not expected in near future too... the strange part is that I didn't plan to take this trip while I left my place but here I am sitting in last row of the benches... I see all anxious faces .. waiting faces... 

Actually there are two kinds of faces you find in such places.. one is a "OMG! FACE" ... another is "IT DOESN'T MATTER FACE"... 

Don't you think that the pressure of reaching somewhere is taking away all the pleasures of waiting from you... you will love it trust me...

(Anecdote : One who waits is a waiter!!)

Freedom V/S loneliness

While I was walking back home from office I observed the green mountains . Yes !! i am at a godforsaken place that is surrounded by mountains ... I just wanted to drop going home and instead go visit the  Palace on the mountain top (Yes that's true check " Bundi " ). 

That is what I always wanted - Freedom.. Freedom of thinking free... 

All those who are bogged down by family ties , job commitments , laziness , mental blocks etc.. have never tasted the happiness in free thought process... It is so much fun to "JUST DO IT " (not that!!!)

Don't we all have a friend who we think is crazy... actually he is not .. he is just free.. free to live and think... free to drop that baggage and visit the palace at the mountain top , that you always wanted to...

but then whats the downside ... you don't belong anywhere ... you don't belong to anybody...Nothing holds you back.. You are willing to go anywhere .. be with anyone and even alone... it doesn't matter.. Unlike your friends who wants to build a career in xyz city where their fiance lives or where their school was...But you , inspite of all the relationships and commitments will still never feel like anything is holding you back not even love... And sometimes on quite evenings freedom crosses the line and becomes loneliness... Thus its very important that we can stand our own self before asking for freedom...only then it will be worth it...

Being independent is a sin...

I was not thinking…

I just wanted to prove myself to you …But every time I do that your criteria changes…

You resemble my parents…

While I achieve the greatest heights in my career ,they regret my education just because I don’t listen to them…

And all the times they said that they have sacrificed everything to make me study seems so meaningless now…

That’s what we all are right!! We create buildings just to accuse them of their heights..

We want make our children independent but we use every possible trick to cripple them … to make them realize our importance...

And if this doesn't happen we accuse them of being too independent...

When did we draw a line between being independent and being too independent…?

Life would be so easy if we could choose whether to let go or to hold on … nothing in between will give peace…

Why I left ...

I left you because I was tired of waiting… 

waiting at the railway station to be picked up by you… 

waiting at the party to be taken home by you… 

waiting for my birthday present… 

waiting that one fine day people will stop taking pity at me because of you …

I was tired of living up to the perfect couple label when in my heart I knew we were not even a couple let alone perfect…

I was tired of being alone in a relationship with you… you see , you left me much before I did !

Celebrating rain...

It poured 

I observed

didn't feel a thing

That mushy feeling...

Thanks for the classy setting

and the lovely dinner

for the champagne glasses

and musical notes

Not a hint of elation

not a shred of pain

But its strange 

not the same any more

I guess 

my heart has stopped celebrating rain...

But I am not perfect...

I thought I would ask someone the solution of my problem… Explain them what I am going through and they will tell me what to do … It wasn’t that easy. Everyone was able to relate to me and my issues but no one had a tailor-made solution for me, not even Google… (Yes, I Googled it :P)

I don’t know whether everyone goes through the same feelings that I go through… I think they do… But all of them are so busy pretending and boasting about their perfect lives… they have perfect relationships, perfect careers, so much money etc…

But I am not perfect… I have messed up badly in my life more than 60% of time. I have not obeyed my parents … I was in an unhealthy relationship… I also thought about cheating…I was a selfish friend… and on few occasions a very bad sister… and on many occasions a insensitive daughter…

Yes, I am full of sins or at least thought seriously about many … And in this whole wide world I am having hard time finding someone who can tell me that even he made a mistake .. That even she messed it up … that even he was confused … and above all that she went through exactly same feelings that I am going through… If only we could share more and pretend less.. .We can find out solutions and ideas to solve our problems like someone else did…

Tell me that you are as normal as I am!!!Please tell me… I am getting all lonely out here in the imperfect corner…

In search of randomness...

We live two lives

One of our own

And one of others...

They made the rules

And you follow it

Never questioned

Never resisted

Kept smiling

Loving and Understanding

Being and Becoming

What others want you to be…

And time blurs the line

Between us and myself…

Their becomes mine

Mine becomes void…

But sometimes; some things

Bring out that song

Long forgotten…

That colour which faded…

Those people

Separated…

And in these times

You think …. Why?

Why? What? When?

Where is the line

That line between

You and yours,

And how will you ever

Draw it again…

How will you separate?

Responsibilities and happiness…

Commitment and attraction…

Can you? Can you leave that hand?

And walk away,

In search of yourself

Are you confident enough?

Can you? Can you leave?

That so called happiness…

Leave that worldly perfection,

In search of randomness…

Whiling away time...

whiling away time...

whiling away life...

You need not make sense out of everything ..

drop that burden... drop it...

You need not make it meaningful,useful...

You need not use every single moment judiciously ...

You need not spend every single penny wisely ..

You need need not be a selfless person..

You need need not be a helping friend always...

You need not be the best performer...

you need not be a dedicated lover...

You need not be always available...

You need not be polite...

You can live for yourself...

You can act

You can lie

You can hurt consciously

you can be mean

you can fake

You can cry

you can hide

you can ignore

you can be boring

you can speak loudly

you can brag

You can crib

You can be strange

You can be stupid

You can change

I understand you... i do ..and I will let you be...

I am with you in your journey of meaninglessness...

You are free from the burden of making sense...

You are free from the burden of being yourself...

You can be someone else...

You can be any damn thing in the world ...

Original or copied...

I will try to accept you with open heart...

Whiling away time...

whiling away life..

trust me u can while away things...everyone does.. its peaceful in a way...

My Dearest Allie

My Dearest Allie.

I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you.

Noah I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... everyday.

PS: I found this in my quotes collection. It is probably from some movie. I loved every word in this and thus I am publishing it here. I have been trying to write a poem for so long but I am not able to finish any. So I have now almost five unfinished poems...Till I complete them I may post some of my compiled collection.Not written by me but still a part of me.

First rain..

I had clutter of thoughts

Some of love

Some of pain

Some of loss

Some of gain

Randomness revisited

Restlessness heightened

And then it poured

How we used to stand for hours near the glass window

Making hearts with fingertips

And that bike which got punctured

Long walks and short trips…

you hated puddles

and I loved splashing

you wanted instrumental

I wanted dirty dancing…

That night it poured heavily

I was drenched from head to toe

I missed your presence in the rain

I guess you would never know…

I looked at you, you smiled

And then you looked away

You were just behind the window there

But you seemed far away…

It’s raining again

And sometimes

Only sometimes

I miss u in the rain

The way I did that day

The way I did today…

And sometimes

Only sometimes

I would like to know

What were you thinking?

When you were looking away…

Or You are writing in vain?

There is something about this moment

That has made ur picture hazy

Something set deep in my heart

Something that makes it heavy...

I asked what beyond numbness

What beyond pain

Wat beyond white satin

What beyond stains...

He laughed – “write abt interesting things

Even if your day was mundane

Write about happiness

Or You are writing in vain?"

No I cant , I cant write about a happy job

An abundant life

No I cant write about a new flat

A trophy wife...

"Oh !! u poor , u poor writer

entangled in ur masochist emotions

u can just write about broken hearts

silent tears and love potion"

No wait don’t judge me so soon

I write for what I can’t express

Loneliness became my poetic affair

And silence accepted to be my mistress

Been trapped and cheated and starved to life

Reality was too hard to suppress

I have lost and failed and fallen and choked

The list my dear is endless..!