A huge Leap of faith ...

What to we actually fear losing in a relationship ? After we break up , what is that undying pain we have in our hearts? What do we mean by losing love and why does it hurt so much ?

When we love someone we begin to trust them step by step , inch by inch . Through their gestures and care we realize that they can be trusted with our heart , our lives. Our inner goddess who was up till now hiding under the bed pops up and claims the throne. She is happy and satisfied . Starts to rule like a queen because she feels she is safe . And you take that leap of faith. You tell him your biggest lies , greatest secrets with a promise of understanding and care . 

You put down the walls be vulnerable and introduce him to your shy and meek inner goddess. And you inner goddess is so happy to finally find someone with whom she can love happily ever after in her empty palatial house . 

And then your heart breaks. One fine morning your prince charming doesn't return to your inner Goddess . She waits and waits.. She forgets to dress up like she usually does , doesn't eat a thing and stares at you blankly with her smudged mascara eyes.

why did you introduce him  to her ? Why did you vouch for him ? 

Why did you let me take that leap of faith if you were not sure ? 

why ?

And you answer : " BUT I WAS  so SURE !!"

CHAOS...

Chaos is the only peace that exists...

Change is the only truth that persists...

Silence is the only sound that echoes..

In the emptiness of the world filled with people...

When u walk back u will realize; u were never there....

Being independent is a sin...

I was not thinking…

I just wanted to prove myself to you …But every time I do that your criteria changes…

You resemble my parents…

While I achieve the greatest heights in my career ,they regret my education just because I don’t listen to them…

And all the times they said that they have sacrificed everything to make me study seems so meaningless now…

That’s what we all are right!! We create buildings just to accuse them of their heights..

We want make our children independent but we use every possible trick to cripple them … to make them realize our importance...

And if this doesn't happen we accuse them of being too independent...

When did we draw a line between being independent and being too independent…?

Life would be so easy if we could choose whether to let go or to hold on … nothing in between will give peace…

Why I left ...

I left you because I was tired of waiting… 

waiting at the railway station to be picked up by you… 

waiting at the party to be taken home by you… 

waiting for my birthday present… 

waiting that one fine day people will stop taking pity at me because of you …

I was tired of living up to the perfect couple label when in my heart I knew we were not even a couple let alone perfect…

I was tired of being alone in a relationship with you… you see , you left me much before I did !

What our lives are ?

"This is what lives are , aren't they ?

Attempts to fill our time with activity designed to prevent us from realizing that there is no MEANING ? "

Those four lines...

I read it again …

Those four lines

That ended us…

Ended me…

Was it that easy to finish?

Was it such a practical thing ?

Four lines…Your four lines

And my world fell apart…

I have erased everything,

But those four lines

I kept them safe.

A remembrance to heartache

A toast to your cowardice

Poetry of my helplessness…

I read it again…

How beautifully

You accepted your lies,

Like a mirage

In front of my eyes,

Thought I could look through you

Thought you could feel my love…

But four lines, just with four lines

You ended and I endured…

Do you ever think back?

Of life without me?

Or you thought about it too often?

Did you think about her

When I thought about you?

Did you miss her

Every time I missed you ?

Somewhere someday

And I shall ask you

Just one time

One question, one rhyme

Did you love her?

When I thought you loved me….

Goodbye Forever...

After a while you begin to realize that there's a difference

Between holding a hand and falling in love.

You begin to learn that kisses don't always mean something,

And promises can be broken as easily as they are made,

And sometimes,

Sometimes....

Goodbyes really are forever....

PS : From my quotes collection ,not written by me...

In search of randomness...

We live two lives

One of our own

And one of others...

They made the rules

And you follow it

Never questioned

Never resisted

Kept smiling

Loving and Understanding

Being and Becoming

What others want you to be…

And time blurs the line

Between us and myself…

Their becomes mine

Mine becomes void…

But sometimes; some things

Bring out that song

Long forgotten…

That colour which faded…

Those people

Separated…

And in these times

You think …. Why?

Why? What? When?

Where is the line

That line between

You and yours,

And how will you ever

Draw it again…

How will you separate?

Responsibilities and happiness…

Commitment and attraction…

Can you? Can you leave that hand?

And walk away,

In search of yourself

Are you confident enough?

Can you? Can you leave?

That so called happiness…

Leave that worldly perfection,

In search of randomness…

First rain..

I had clutter of thoughts

Some of love

Some of pain

Some of loss

Some of gain

Randomness revisited

Restlessness heightened

And then it poured

How we used to stand for hours near the glass window

Making hearts with fingertips

And that bike which got punctured

Long walks and short trips…

you hated puddles

and I loved splashing

you wanted instrumental

I wanted dirty dancing…

That night it poured heavily

I was drenched from head to toe

I missed your presence in the rain

I guess you would never know…

I looked at you, you smiled

And then you looked away

You were just behind the window there

But you seemed far away…

It’s raining again

And sometimes

Only sometimes

I miss u in the rain

The way I did that day

The way I did today…

And sometimes

Only sometimes

I would like to know

What were you thinking?

When you were looking away…

I carry no more that sense of touch..

I carry no more

That Sense of touch

that thing called love

we had so much...

Between separation and possession

it seems,

I have got u but

I have lost myself...

And when I sleep at night without you;

Nothing more comes to my mind,

A state of non feeling

That surrounds me;

And neutrality that creeps in.

It’s been years since

I have been standing here,

But I have stopped waiting it seems.

No despair

Just boredom and no strength

to look for you

even a glance or stare.

I shut the drapes

the sunlight reminds me of the darkness

that exists.

And sometimes I stop breathing

to maintain

the loud silence that persists.

When the cold wind touches me

Wherever your fingerprints lie,

It neither hurts me nor loves me

like it used to

While I lie there naked and shy...

The world is just so busy; so engrossed,

to fill the gaps and emptiness,

to complete the incomplete stories;

to cover the carefully built distances.

And here I lay wide awake

thinking about no gaps to fill,

no games to play.

Just shouting in oblivion

with nothing

absolutely nothing to say....

Written almost an year back..