I am learning to love again ...

A friend of mine triggered this thought . He asked " Can you start all over again..like a clean slate ? "

I replied - "yes!!" I am a clean slate , I am at my best ready to accept any new experience with open arms."

But I guess it wasn't true. Can we really be open to love , to love again. I think with every failed relationship you die a little which adds up to a long list of "THINGS NOT TO DO!!"

. 

What about giving yourself another chance. New hopes .. new wings... new love...

Can we really fall in love again ? Can we drop the baggage of past and embark on a new journey with the same vigour and enthusiasm?

Do you have the courage to be vulnerable again ?

Can you still wait for him on dinner table ?

Wear his favourite colour and wait for compliments ...

Will you make him a collage on his birthday and a handmade card on your anniversary ? 

Do you still have the courage to walk  on the same road where you once were so lonely ?

Above all do you still have the strength to smile everytime he smiles at you.... 

Holding on V/S Moving on

She loved him with all her heart but it didn't work. 

She tried hard but it didn't work. 

She cooked his favorite dishes , got his approved haircut even joined a gym but it didn't work.

He went away to a a land that suited him more , where her little imperfections wouldn't hinder his perfect life.

He went away from her...

You know how she felt? It was like losing something you never had. 

It is the worst of it all.

 But she survived.

Moved on ...

One fine day , he came back .. Back to her ..

But y ? How dare he? How can he have the courage to come back to her ?

Few people never stop taking us for granted.

Does love make us look weak. 

"In a relationship one who loves less is strong "!! Is it true?

Do we really take our ex's for granted . 

People who loved us with immovable faith and always put our happiness above there own. 

The belief that they will take us back anyway is the biggest disrespect we can cause them and to their love. 

Always remember love gives us strength to endure all the hardships and challenges of a relationship and that is what make us to hold on to all the crap our partner gives..

But the moment you decide to end it, not hold on to it further , you are free. 

Yes you can walk away... love will empower you... Never test the limits of the one who loves you.. 

"Those who have the courage to hold on also have the power to move on , they just chose not to"

What a woman wants?

Love, sex and money … not necessarily in the same order … every girl has different priorities but largely you can categorise it into these three..

So voila!! We now know what we want.. So what’s the problem then?

The problem is how to get it…

Will a lot of love and money do away with your bed cravings... or can you settle for a big mansion to live but no one to cuddle and sleep …

Much worse... What if you find it in different men...? And for a matter of fact you will!!

Imagine what a mess!!!

With my personal experience I can share one thing for sure... In a woman’s life there is a man who makes her happy and a man whom she loves with all her heart … at least two different men in each of our lives...

Sorry to break your bubble girlfriend but Life just got tougher…

With an end in my mind ...

Dearest

I may have started with an end in my mind... yes an end.. to safeguard myself against a potential heartbreak .. a downfall..

But the truth is so clear .. so obvious .. that preparing for an end doesn't lessen the pain it causes..

Yes I was prepared for the end but not for the pain of living without a hope...

End is natural but hopelessness is like dying on a lonely island knowing no one will know you died not that they will save you...

Soul Broken V/S Heart Broken

Amongst various types of people around us .. the most frustrating ones are “ the walls”…

Those who angry us by their stupid deeds… over interference … and the best part is we cant even complain.. cant even express that they are killing you .. that you hate them .. that you want them out of your site and sometimes even outta your life… but y cant u .. coz they r the walls… they wont change , react.. understand…

What is more frustrating? .. not telling someone that they hurt you and thinking that they will not understand or telling sumone that they hurt you and seeing that they don’t understand?

Have you ever been heart broken ?

That sharp pain inside that never goes… you feel like you cant breathe or that you will die of heartache… and you suddenly realize how meaningless everything is and how lonely you are in this whole wide world… and you pick up the phone and dial the number of the one whose hurt you … 

you make the call .. accept that they have hurt you … unable to speak coz tears choke you… still you try to find the sharpest of the words and try to take revenge .. 

If only words could kill… and all this while you know in your heart that this verbal attack wont match up to the heartache you got but still it will let you breathe… 

And you end the call with a last line that means “it doesn't matter” though both the parties know how much it did and it always will… 

Phew!!! Then you go to the window and look up like you know god is watching … you look down at the endless vehicle lines… and a sigh!!! Which means that neither god nor any human being can understand your pain let alone ease it…then you feel numb and sometime later you start to relax…

Grieving is a process… it has stages ..from start to end …scientifically around four.. (search on google).. so don’t you ever worry it will definitely end..

But have you ever been soul-broken? 

Let us suppose .. we didn't make the call that I described in the above paragraph .. then what would you feel.. imagine that person will never come to know about your pain.. imagine not sharing.. not avenging.. just nursing your broken heart alone…

That’s soul-broken  it like having a wound in your heart that will never heal .. a broken soul.. that you carry everywhere .. all the time… and even after years a soft touch on that wound would hurt like it did for the first time…

Soul Broken – a thriving wound..

 

Dear lamps!!!

While lightening Diyas at the garden fence I had a very strange sad feeling inside.. I learnt about life of a lamp.

 So lame! Lightens lives of others but has darkness beneath itself. I have come across such people in life. They sacrifice their lives to build a good future for others -"The lamps".Rest all the fuljharis , anars etc sparkle for short time and vanish in thin air. 

Dear lamps...
This Diwali when everyone will be celebrating with light in their lives. I will look for you in dark corners...  wherever you are placed , I know your pain and I know your fate.. May God give you strength...

Enjoy waiting ...

Yet again I am on a aimless journey.. doing what I do best .. WAITING.. This time at the bus stand ... Initially I used to find it frustrating ..

Like everyone I wanted to enjoy the end and not the "means"... But in my experience most of the times "end" is disappointing only because we spend a lotta energy building expectations while we wait... 

So why not enjoy the "means" .. enjoy waiting... One may call it escapism.. so be it...

So here I am ... Waiting for the bus that has not arrived from last 45minutes and I guess is not expected in near future too... the strange part is that I didn't plan to take this trip while I left my place but here I am sitting in last row of the benches... I see all anxious faces .. waiting faces... 

Actually there are two kinds of faces you find in such places.. one is a "OMG! FACE" ... another is "IT DOESN'T MATTER FACE"... 

Don't you think that the pressure of reaching somewhere is taking away all the pleasures of waiting from you... you will love it trust me...

(Anecdote : One who waits is a waiter!!)

What is love ?

What is love ?

It is not about romantic kisses and passionate moments ... elaborate dinner dates and expensive presents (though i love presents) ... 

It is about fighting to eat fried rice while your partner wants to have hakka noodles...

 though you both like vice versa...:P

(*This actually happened with me)

Freedom V/S loneliness

While I was walking back home from office I observed the green mountains . Yes !! i am at a godforsaken place that is surrounded by mountains ... I just wanted to drop going home and instead go visit the  Palace on the mountain top (Yes that's true check " Bundi " ). 

That is what I always wanted - Freedom.. Freedom of thinking free... 

All those who are bogged down by family ties , job commitments , laziness , mental blocks etc.. have never tasted the happiness in free thought process... It is so much fun to "JUST DO IT " (not that!!!)

Don't we all have a friend who we think is crazy... actually he is not .. he is just free.. free to live and think... free to drop that baggage and visit the palace at the mountain top , that you always wanted to...

but then whats the downside ... you don't belong anywhere ... you don't belong to anybody...Nothing holds you back.. You are willing to go anywhere .. be with anyone and even alone... it doesn't matter.. Unlike your friends who wants to build a career in xyz city where their fiance lives or where their school was...But you , inspite of all the relationships and commitments will still never feel like anything is holding you back not even love... And sometimes on quite evenings freedom crosses the line and becomes loneliness... Thus its very important that we can stand our own self before asking for freedom...only then it will be worth it...

Why I left ...

I left you because I was tired of waiting… 

waiting at the railway station to be picked up by you… 

waiting at the party to be taken home by you… 

waiting for my birthday present… 

waiting that one fine day people will stop taking pity at me because of you …

I was tired of living up to the perfect couple label when in my heart I knew we were not even a couple let alone perfect…

I was tired of being alone in a relationship with you… you see , you left me much before I did !

Celebrating rain...

It poured 

I observed

didn't feel a thing

That mushy feeling...

Thanks for the classy setting

and the lovely dinner

for the champagne glasses

and musical notes

Not a hint of elation

not a shred of pain

But its strange 

not the same any more

I guess 

my heart has stopped celebrating rain...

A messy Affair !!!

Nothing but a messy affair...

she hold him tight 

goes out of sight  

Will go to someone else tonight...

she keeps him too and loves him too

she tells him that " I am made for you" 

She has her stories ... seductive ones

Where she made out with every one turn by turn...

She eats apple pie in hiding

And has a degree in lying...

But I still hold her close to my heart

Her brazen thoughts, so original , so wild...

She enjoys her philandering trips

With an innocence of a child...

She chats dirty , she wears cheap

She smells like cigarette in fresh air

She tells me as she settles her skirt

"Relax Sweety! It is nothing but a messy affair !!!"

I just want to fall in love

And you think I am kidding?

When I hold your hand and tell you

All the wonderful things …

And you think I am kidding?

When I skip a beat

Every time you open the door…

And you think I am kidding?

That I can spend my life

Just looking at you …

Tell me who can love you more than I do?

Who will think of you always and forever?

And you think I am kidding?

When I remember every little thing you ask for

When I watch your chick flicks and send cheeky mails

When I send you a three page long messages

And a rose everyday …

I just want to fall in love with you

Over and over again ...

And you still think I am kidding ?

Get a life !!!

I am not thinking about the past

Nor am I thinking of what will become of me...

I am thinking about the coffee that I am drinking

The brownie that I am eating

But not about the life that I am living..

Because I am not living it

It is happening to me..

So why waste time..

Why think about what it would have been

Why think about what is and what is it ?

I have switched of the thinking button

I am not ignorant ,

I am just giving space to my "LIFE"

I am letting it be..

I am not trying to control it...

I think I have stopped thinking about it at all times

I don't even know whether this poem rhymes...

My Dearest "Life" - "Please get a life!!!"

I seriously have other things to do

Than to bother about you ...

Have I asked for too much ?

Just comfort me

When I lie down on bed after a long day's work...

Have I asked for too much ?

Just fetch me a glass of water

when I can't stop coughing...

hold my hand when I remember my dead dog , lost job or a broken dream

Cuddle me in the cold winter nights

you know I get so shivery....

Buy me those pink roses that you never bought

Surprise me with your cooking effort

On a lazy Sunday morning

Or may be just a small message "I love you"

When I am busy with kids and you are with your friends

Please don't sleep when I recite my poems to you

At least appreciate as they are all for you

And sometimes when you think of me as beautiful

I will be glad to hear it...

Have I asked for too much?

Those four lines...

I read it again …

Those four lines

That ended us…

Ended me…

Was it that easy to finish?

Was it such a practical thing ?

Four lines…Your four lines

And my world fell apart…

I have erased everything,

But those four lines

I kept them safe.

A remembrance to heartache

A toast to your cowardice

Poetry of my helplessness…

I read it again…

How beautifully

You accepted your lies,

Like a mirage

In front of my eyes,

Thought I could look through you

Thought you could feel my love…

But four lines, just with four lines

You ended and I endured…

Do you ever think back?

Of life without me?

Or you thought about it too often?

Did you think about her

When I thought about you?

Did you miss her

Every time I missed you ?

Somewhere someday

And I shall ask you

Just one time

One question, one rhyme

Did you love her?

When I thought you loved me….

Whiling away time...

whiling away time...

whiling away life...

You need not make sense out of everything ..

drop that burden... drop it...

You need not make it meaningful,useful...

You need not use every single moment judiciously ...

You need not spend every single penny wisely ..

You need need not be a selfless person..

You need need not be a helping friend always...

You need not be the best performer...

you need not be a dedicated lover...

You need not be always available...

You need not be polite...

You can live for yourself...

You can act

You can lie

You can hurt consciously

you can be mean

you can fake

You can cry

you can hide

you can ignore

you can be boring

you can speak loudly

you can brag

You can crib

You can be strange

You can be stupid

You can change

I understand you... i do ..and I will let you be...

I am with you in your journey of meaninglessness...

You are free from the burden of making sense...

You are free from the burden of being yourself...

You can be someone else...

You can be any damn thing in the world ...

Original or copied...

I will try to accept you with open heart...

Whiling away time...

whiling away life..

trust me u can while away things...everyone does.. its peaceful in a way...

First rain..

I had clutter of thoughts

Some of love

Some of pain

Some of loss

Some of gain

Randomness revisited

Restlessness heightened

And then it poured

How we used to stand for hours near the glass window

Making hearts with fingertips

And that bike which got punctured

Long walks and short trips…

you hated puddles

and I loved splashing

you wanted instrumental

I wanted dirty dancing…

That night it poured heavily

I was drenched from head to toe

I missed your presence in the rain

I guess you would never know…

I looked at you, you smiled

And then you looked away

You were just behind the window there

But you seemed far away…

It’s raining again

And sometimes

Only sometimes

I miss u in the rain

The way I did that day

The way I did today…

And sometimes

Only sometimes

I would like to know

What were you thinking?

When you were looking away…

Or You are writing in vain?

There is something about this moment

That has made ur picture hazy

Something set deep in my heart

Something that makes it heavy...

I asked what beyond numbness

What beyond pain

Wat beyond white satin

What beyond stains...

He laughed – “write abt interesting things

Even if your day was mundane

Write about happiness

Or You are writing in vain?"

No I cant , I cant write about a happy job

An abundant life

No I cant write about a new flat

A trophy wife...

"Oh !! u poor , u poor writer

entangled in ur masochist emotions

u can just write about broken hearts

silent tears and love potion"

No wait don’t judge me so soon

I write for what I can’t express

Loneliness became my poetic affair

And silence accepted to be my mistress

Been trapped and cheated and starved to life

Reality was too hard to suppress

I have lost and failed and fallen and choked

The list my dear is endless..!

What a women is ?

I am everywhere, if you love and care,
close eyes to see me, stretch arms to embrace me
I am no where ‘cause I am totally lost,
you can’t keep me in your possession

I am lovable; you may find me irresistible,
adorable and the queen of hearts
I am mean, can behave weirdly and wildly,
if you try to test my patience wrongly

I am simple, no hidden facts,
care to know me and then you get me
I am mystery unsolved, an unreadable book,
an unfinished story, an unending saga